Book Review: Awaken by Meg Cabot

Death has her in his clutches. She doesn’t want him to let her go. Seventeen-year-old Pierce Oliviera knew by accepting the love of John Hayden, she’d be forced to live forever in the one place she’s always dreaded most: the Underworld. The sacrifice seemed worth it, though, because it meant she could be with the boy she loves.

But now her happiness—and safety—are threatened, all because of the Furies have discovered that John has broken one of their strictest rules: Never revive a human soul.

If the balance between life and death isn’t fixed, both the Underworld and Pierce’s home back on earth will be wiped away. But there’s only one way to restore order. Someone has to die.

Rating:

F

*Warning: Spoilers*

It is time. Time for me to give up YA books that have anything to do with the paranormal. They’re not working for me. But let me tell you why this one specifically failed to make me want to finish it. I got seventy five pages in and NOTHING HAPPENED. Oh sure, there was a lengthy recap of the previous books, paired with the insufferable inner monologue of this doormat of an MC, so there were words, but really, NOTHING HAPPENED.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. On page 54 this happened:

Standing on one of the piers along the shores of the river Styx, Pierce, our inane MC, and the death deity love interest, John (the only reason I wanted to finish the series), notice that the massive boats that ferry the dead seem to be rocketing right towards them.

Proper reaction to this:


John and Pierce’s reaction to this:

No really. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

John and Pierce’s Ten-Step Plan for Dealing with an Emergency:

1. Question EVERYTHING
The more information you have, the better. You’ll find that when time is of the utmost importance, one should always stop to ponder why this is happening, how this is happening, who’s behind what is happening, and what you can do to fix it. At length.

2. Help Each Other
If you’re the man in this situation, you should formulate a plan alone. She’s a girl; her brain isn’t geared for that type of thinking. But don’t worry, she can still be useful! Give her the reins to your mighty steed and tell her to take shelter within the walls of the castle. That will get both your horse and your wench to safety. Two birds with one stone, my friend. Not exaggerating. This actually happens.

3. Strip
If your woman starts arguing against your genius plan, take your clothes off and flex. Her puny brain isn’t good at focusing in the face of so much raw masculinity.

4. Talk About Your Childhood
If your man suddenly starts stripping, stare for a little while and then start talking about your younger years. Whatever’s vaguely related to what’s going on will do, like how you had horse riding lessons when you were little but he couldn’t possibly know that like he’s eluding to…unless he’s been stalking you since you were a child. Le sigh. How romantic. Just look at that bare chest…

5. Internal Monologues, They Help (FUCKING NO ONE)
Let your mind wander a bit. It might blindly stumble upon something that could be useful in this situation. If you linger for a few minutes on your best friend’s suicide, the name of your first grade teacher, or your favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry’s, don’t worry about it, it might lead to tactical gold.

6. Balk
When you (finally) realize you both might be in danger and that The Man really needs to start taking action on his plan, argue for a little while about him putting himself in harm’s way. So what if thousands of souls could be lost if you continue to waffle for another ten infuriating pages, this is the ONLY soul that really matters and you need to talk about how he shouldn’t risk himself…after previously deciding that something needs to be done and he’s the one to do it. Don’t worry, this’ll all make sense when the time comes.

7. Make Out
Passionately, and in front of a lot of strangers who are still wondering what the ACTUAL fuck you’re doing, while having a different (some might suggest proper) reaction to the carnage that’s about to unfold.


8. Declare Your Love
This may be the last time you’ll see each other. Make it count.

9. Talk About “The Plan”
Now that the time has passed come to take action, elaborate on what’s about to happen. Go into great detail about what you’re going to try to do, and just why it’s so important that you do it. Oh, and make sure you take the time to discuss all the risks involved, as well as the numerous ways to mitigate them. You can never be too prepared.

10. Actions Speak Louder Than Words
At the last possible moment, take action! Put that genius plan into motion.

…meanwhile, back in reality, twenty frigging minutes ago…


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