Book Review: Heart of Stone by Christine Warren

Ella Harrow is trying to carve out a normal life for herself. Well, as normal as an art geek with psychic abilities can hope for. As museum docent and gift-shop manager, Ella is able to keep her distance from people—and her powers in check—while surrounding herself with the artifacts she loves. But how on earth is she supposed to act normal when a thousand-year-old statue on the museum’s terrace suddenly comes to life?

Not your ordinary gargoyle, Kees has been asleep for eons, waiting for a portent of evil to wake him from his slumber. Kees isn’t a vision; he’s a bat-winged guardian created to protect the world from the seven demons of the Dark. Somehow, Ella triggered his reawakening. Maybe the demons have been unleashed? Maybe his heart is finally ready to be chiseled open? The fate of the world isn’t carved in stone…yet.

Rating:

F


This is the story of Ella, a damsel in distress. For the purposes of this review, let’s refer to her as “Helpless”. This is also the story of Patrick Stanley, the man that wants to rape her. Let’s call him “Creeper”, shall we? We can’t leave out Ella’s boss either, her name is “Useless”. And then we have Kees, the recently revived Gargoyle who will be playing white knight to Ella’s DiD. I’m gonna call him “Tail Sex” because that’s what I was hoping for when I started this book (shaddup, don’t you judge me).

Dramatization:

On a moonlit balcony overlooking a shadow-shrouded garden…

“I’ve been watching you, Helpless. I’ve been watching you…hard,” Creeper said as he slid from the shadows.

“Oh noes! Whatever shall I do? I wish a big strong man were here to save me!” Helpless lamented.

“There is no one. No one but me…and you. Now I will make you mine,” Creeper intoned, quickly closing the distance between them.

“But I don’t want to be yours!” Helpless cried. If only there was some way that she could save herself from him. She vaguely remembered that she had a dangerous source of power within her, one that she could easily save herself with. But she quickly discarded the thought of using it because of REASONS.

“You have no choice, Helpless,” Creeper said, a sadistic smile spreading over his handsome face. One of his hands shot out and grabbed her arm as the other snaked around her throat.

“Ungh,” Helpless rasped as her airway was cut off. A second thought popped into her mind – a rare occurrence within such a short amount of time – and she lashed out at him with her free hand and struck him in the ear.

“Ow, now what did you do that for?” Creeper whined, removing the hand that had been choking her so that he could rub at the spot where she’d hit him.

In response, Helpless screamed, hoping with every fiber of her being that someone would come save her.

“What’s going on out here?” Useless called from the doorway.

Creeper quickly released Helpless and wiped the malevolence from his face. “Nothing,” he said.

Useless looked from him to Helpless, her expression uneasy.

“Nothing,” Helpless confirmed, as she looked over at Creeper. He really was quite handsome. And now that she was out of his grasp she felt sort of bad for hitting him. She hoped that she hadn’t hurt him with that completely inappropriate slap.

“Are you sure?” Useless asked. “Because it sort of looked like he was trying to rape you.”

Creeper quickly shoved his penis back inside his pants and zipped them up. “Nope. I was just asking her a question,” he said, his tone perfectly innocent.

“About your penis,” Useless deadpanned.

“What penis?” he asked.

“The one you just put back in your pants.”

“I didn’t see any penis. Helpless, did you?”

Helpless giggled in response. “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I didn’t see a penis.”

“Oh, well my eyes must be playing tricks on me then. Creeper, why don’t I show you out the front door and we can let Helpless go on her merry way?” Useless offered.

“I’d rather stay here and rape her, I mean, escort her home,” Creeper argued.

“Nonsense, the girl can obviously take care of herself. Come with me,” Useless returned.

“Okay…if I have to,” Creeper complained, dragging his feet as he slowly made his way to the door.

Once they disappeared Helpless turned to the stone gargoyle that sat in the corner of the terrace and berated it for not springing to life and saving her when she’d felt like she needed it. Because she was too busy yelling at him, she didn’t see the shadow quickly sneaking up behind her, the knife in its hand flashing silver in the moonlight.

The gargoyle saw it though.

With a roar that reverberated off the stone patio Tail Sex sprung to life and charged her attacker, sending him sprawling.

Helpless screamed. Tail Sex turned and advanced on her.

“Don’t be afraid, I’m here to save you. Isn’t that what you’ve been asking for all along?” he said in a soothing voice.

“MONSTER! I’LL KILL YOU!” Helpless screamed, finally unleashing the terrible power that lurked in the dark recesses of her mind.

Tail Sex snorted in response. “Really?” he asked, her magical barrage bouncing off his rock hard chest. “You use that NOW? Against someone that just saved you?”

“DIE, DEMON HELLSPAWN!”

“Lady, what the fuck is your problem?”

“YOU SMELL OF BRIMSTONE AND BUTTHOLE! BEGONE, FOUL CREATURE!”

“I do not. I smell of Axel bodywash. Bitches love Axel bodywash.”

“BITCHES DO NOT LOVE…hey, that smells kind of nice.”

“I know, right?”

“You still creep me out.”

Not wanting to frighten the poor idiot, Tail Sex scrunched up his face, concentrated very hard, and turned into the most beautiful man that has ever beautifuled. “Is that better?”

“Oh my god, yes. Let’s have sex now.”

“Can I use the tail?” he asked hopefully.

“No.”

“Aw, man,” he whined.


9 thoughts on “Book Review: Heart of Stone by Christine Warren

  1. I am going to be useless for the rest of the day – I one again laughed so hard that now I am snorting and chuffing. . . I won’t be able to freaking concentrate on my work because every time I try to think of something else, one of your lines pops into my head, and I am off again…..

    Liked by 1 person

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